Dear Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc., and executives,*
Hello! How are you today? Yes, yes, we’re all doing our best to avoid the plague, of course. But otherwise, how are you? Comfy? Probably. Rich? Sure are! Which is why you can afford to give us, your beloved friends here at the Dot and Line, an all-expenses-paid stay in your new Cartoon Network Hotel in East Lancaster, PA, once it’s open again for business.
Now, look. We know how much you love money. But think about it. There’s only five of us, and between us, we’ve written, edited, published, and promoted a big ol’ bunch of stories about a whole heap of your shows and movies and all that other good stuff for more than four years now. Where’s the love? Where’s the gratitude? Where are the gosh-dang kickbacks!? (We know the hotel is family friendly. We promise we won’t swear! Mostly….)
OK, you don’t like that term. “Kickbacks.” Sounds nasty. We get it! We’re proud, incorruptible journalists, and we know the importance of separating business from pleasure. But we’re wrapping up the business—such as it was, since we never actually made any money—so let’s make with the pleasure, babyyyyy! All work and no play makes Dot a dull line, or whatever. That’s right, that was an Animaniacs reference, sort of. You catch that? See how much we give you? Why not return the favor?
Let’s be real, Mr. Bros. Or is that Bros. Warner? Big Bad WB? We just want to address you properly here. Politely, like. Ack, this is too confusing. OK, this letter is now to Ann Sarnoff, CEO of Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. Ann—may we call you Ann? Ann, we just want you to think about this. Your company owns Cartoon Network. Actually, your company owns, like, half of everything. Sure, it’s no Walt Disney Company. That sucker owns a WHOLE lot. (Does “sucker” count as a swear word? Sorry!!) But so do you.
Come on, Ann. Warner Bros. can afford to offer five dedicated, smart, talented, hot as all hell (I know, I know, no swearing, but it’s true!!) journalists who’ve given it so much over the years just a paltry little week to do whatever they want, with no cost to themselves, at its fancy new hotel. You know it can! Preferably in the Steven Universe room? We’ll probably need two rooms, though, real talk.
Ann, you’re not answering. That isn’t very polite! Ann, come on…Ann!? OK, fine. We hear you. Well, we don’t hear you, but we hear you. So, no dice on the vacay. Well, how about just a one-time check or GoFundMe donation totaling $10,000, so we can pay all the amazing writers—and ourselves too, I mean, come on, even cartoon journalists need to eat—a little something to thank them for all the great work they’ve done?
Don’t you want to give back, Ann? Don’t you want, when you’re on your deathbed in hopefully, like, 50 years at least (DON’T DIE ON US, ANN!), to look back upon your life’s work and realize that you gave back to some very under-recognized but extremely cool people who, when you think about it, really gave you so much? Like, so much!
Wow, nothing, huh? Well, OK, Ann. I mean, Ms. Sarnoff. I mean, Mr. Bros. Well, look. This makes us sad, it really does. It hurts, Mr. Bros., that you wouldn’t give us an all-expenses-paid 10-day stay in your fancy, newfangled Cartoon Network Hotel, along with a paltry one-time $25,000 payment in the noble name of animation journalism. But Mr. Bros, can you do us just one thing, please? Just one little thing. Can you let us live in your water tower? You don’t want those zany Warner kids in there anyway, Mr. Bros. We watched the show, Mr. Bros. We saw how you felt about them. Please, Mr. Bros. Our crops are dying. The rent is too damn high. Please, just let us live in your water tower. Please. Please?
With respectful desperation,
The Dot and Line
John Maher and Eric Vilas-Boas: cofounders, editors in chief
Sammy Nickalls: editor, website
Elly Belle: editor, newsletters
Marley Crusch: director, special projects
Note: In addition to publishing this plea, we have also sent a copy to Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc., and eagerly await their reply.
Thanks for reading The Dot and Line, where we’ve written about animation of all kinds for more than four years. We’ll miss you! If you’ll miss us too, show us some love on Twitter and show our writers the money on GoFundMe. Read our goodbyes here: That’s All, Folks!
