We love a list. The first piece ever published at The Dot and Line, in fact, was a list. But what we really, really love are rankings. Joke rankings, rat rankings, cat rankings, very good boy rankings, smart rankings, dumb rankings, loving rankings, meticulous rankings, and even data-sourced dragon rankings—the Dot and Line has made room for them all over the years.
Now that we prepare to close the book on this website, it felt only appropriate to publish the rankings that sat lingering in an ideas spreadsheet that will never see the light of day. Ranked, of course, and accompanied by the meticulous notes under the “Details” column of our ideas spreadsheet.
9. Best Disney Films Nobody Watched, Ranked
Do you even remember The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad? So Dear to My Heart? Melody Time? Fun and Fancy Free? Pete’s Dragon? WTF even is a melody time!?
8. Best Ugly Cry Moments in Animation, Ranked
Rebecca Sugar perfected the art in Steven Universe, but let’s not pretend she’s not the only one to kick us in the heart until we melt into puddles of tears. This list would have made you cry!
7. Best Non-Original Songs From Animated Series, Ranked
We all know how good original music from cartoons is—especially the theme songs. This list would have ranked extant music licensed and employed particularly effectively in cartoons: think Blonde Redhead’s “For the Damaged Coda” as Evil Morty’s theme in Rick and Morty, or Benson discovering a cassette with Lushlife’s “Until the Sun Dies (feat. Fakevinyl)” in Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts.
6. Best Animated Fantastic Voyage Tributes, Ranked
Rugrats, The Venture Bros., Rick and Morty, and Archer are some of the shows that put their own spin on the classic sci-fi film. Hell, it’s pretty much the entire reason Osmosis Jones even exists.
5. Animated Film’s Biggest Genre Misfires, Ranked
From The Black Cauldron to Atlantis, here we would’ve round up the pulpiest movies that should have killed it but didn’t. Treasure Planet, The Black Cauldron, Camelot, Titan AE, and The Princess and the Goblin obviously all would have made this list.
4. Best Obscure Sports References in Cartoons, Ranked
Cofounder John Maher once had a high school French teacher who, if a student tried to ask a question in response to a question, would say, “You can’t call time out while the ball is in the air!” Sorry, Monsieur. We called time out while the ball was in the air on this one.
3. Best Dragon Ball Z Haircuts, Ranked
There! Are! Just! So! Many! Bananas! Haircuts! On! This! Show!
2. Best Animated Shows Screwed Up by Corporate Suits, Ranked
How many brilliant television shows have been absolutely gutted by executives who didn’t understand what said shows did best? Probably a lot! We don’t know, though. We didn’t write it.
1. Inspirational Animated Uncles, Ranked
Who would have won the title? Uncle Iroh of Avatar: The Last Airbender? Uncle Chan from Jackie Chan Adventures? Rocket Power‘s Tito? DuckTales‘s inimitable Scrooge McDuck? Who’s to say!? (We are. And it’s Iroh. It was always going to be Iroh.)
Thanks for reading The Dot and Line, where we’ve written about animation of all kinds for more than four years. We’ll miss you! If you’ll miss us too, show us some love on Twitter and show our writers the money on GoFundMe. Read our goodbyes here: That’s All, Folks!