Pineapples. Sea Stars. Oil Spills. Death. In honor of Nicktoons Month! we’re diving deep to see which characters of Spongebob Squarepants would survive.
Let me ask you something:
“ARE YOU READY, KIDS?”
If you responded correctly to that pressing question (it’s OK if you answered in your head!), please proceed.
Spongebob Squarepants, or SBSP for short, is a show full of marine diversity (thanks for being a marine biologist, Stephen Hillenburg) that allows everyone of any age to enjoy the hilarious perils of life that affect all creatures on land to some degree. Part of the magic of SBSP is that parents and children could enjoy the show together — kids were enthralled by the innocent silly shenanigans the Bikini Bottom crew got into, while adults were able to laugh, perhaps with relief, at familiar difficulties like work/life balance, depression, and personal failure.
And although viewing the show through the adult lens could be rough, it always ended on a high note. There was never an episode that focused solely on real life oceanic issues like ever-increasing water temperatures, or how overfishing is killing off species, or how oil spills have fucked up the ocean. But lucky for you, Internet writers don’t need to keep kids in the dark about the horrors humans have wreaked on the oceanic environment. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a short list showing which of our favorite friends from Bikini Bottom would be most likely to survive the current pollution and warming of the seas.
Spongebob Squarepants
Species: Sea Sponge
Because sponges can withstand high levels of pollution and changes in habitat conditions and seasons, our boy Spongebob is quite likely to survive as waters warm and pollution continues. Also, sea sponges can soak up large amounts of pollutants, and are considered to be excellent candidates as biomonitors (living things that determine levels of pollution). Good to know that Spongebob is probably more useful than Mermaid Man, because he would actually be able to contribute to the continued existence of society as we know it.
*Fun Fact: He probably is also the oldest character, as some nerds at MIT did some science stuff and figured out that you can finally use ‘Hey, did you know the first animal to appear on earth was probs a sea sponge?’ as a truthful icebreaker.
Likelihood of survival: 5/5
Patrick Star
Species: Sea Star
Patrick and his fellow sea stars — commonly called “starfish,” although they’re not technically fish — have been going through quite the apocalypse lately, due to the aptly named “starfish wasting disease.” Marine biologists have found that warmer water temperatures were related to a higher risk of the disease, so Patrick and pals are not likely to do well if the temps in the ocean continue to rise. Stay under that rock, Patrick!
Likelihood of Survival: 2/5
Squidward Tentacles
Species: Octopus
Squidward has good reason to be peeved at Spongebob when he is making a ruckus, as science tells us that octopuses are damaged by noise pollution. (Yes: Squidward is an octopus, and not a squid. Who knew?) If boats still use motors, deep sea drilling continues, and people use sonar, Squidward could rupture his statocyst, the organ responsible for hearing and spatial orientation, from all that noise.
On the other hand, scientists have noticed that octopodes have been thriving in these warmer, fish-diminished waters. As marine biologist Bronwyn Gillanders points out, “Cephalopods have this ‘live fast, die young’ life history strategy — the rock stars of the sea, if you like to call them that.”
But the question remains: how will Squidward play his clarinet if he loses his hearing!?
Likelihood of survival: 4/5
Sandy Cheeks
Species: Squirrel
Sandy is just fine. She’s a land creature, duh.
Likelihood of survival: 5/5
Eugene H. Krabs
Species: Red Crab
This is a tough one. If Mr. Krabs is secretly a landlubber crustacean like the Christmas Island crab, he will do OK. If he is any other crab, he is in some danger. Simply put, pollution is killing off the underwater grass that crabs need to hide from predators. Combine that with over-fishing, and VOILA! You have a chance for a total destruction of a species. Hold on to them dolla$ tight, Mr. Krabs.
Likelihood of survival: 2/5
Top illustration: Eric Vilas-Boas (from art by Nickelodeon)
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