This post contains light spoilers for BoJack Horseman Season 4.
Welcome to Ask Scratchy, a monthly column in which the Animaniacs’ top psychiatric mind answers the tough questions for cartoon characters from the four corners of the Earth. To submit a question, email the good doctor at askscratchansniff@gmail.com.
Dear Dr. Scratchansniff,
Sometimes, when it’s really quiet at night, I look up at the still-bright sky over Hollywoo and wonder what it must be like to live somewhere else. To not constantly take Bojack Horseman’s messages even though I don’t work for him. To not constantly run through Courtney Portnoy’s fortnightly news reports from courts and torts over poor-res photos of her horrid warts. To not constantly be disappointed by the people around me — All. The. Time. To not constantly focus on running around everywhere, glued to my phone at all hours busting my ass to get gigs for my clients. To not constantly explain to those very clients that the difference between a manager and an agent is that manager can produce.
I guess that’s what this letter’s all about, Doc. I got in this business to tell stories. In some ways, we all move out to this town because we all have something to prove. I’m good at my job—really good, actually—so why am I not happy? Why is it so hard to find people who really care about me? I’ve been trying to have kids for a long time, and now I’m 42 with five miscarriages. Why has it been so hard to juggle all this stuff when I can juggle 15 phone calls in 20 minutes like a champ? I definitely drink too much when I think about all of this. Is it too late for me?
Sincerely,
Pinned Under Responsibility, Restraint, Infertility, Negativity, Greed
Guten tag, PURRING,
It sounds like you’ve gotten yourself entangled in a real cat’s cradle! On the one hand, you’re a successful career woman, working with some of the most celebrated celebs in Hollywoo (a job, I’m sure, many envy). It sounds like you are achieving your work-related dreams! On the other hand, your personal life is in disarray. Although you’re a great people manager (agent?), juggling your client’s responsibilities and commitments like a pro, you can’t seem to connect with people in a real, meaningful way. On top of all of this, days go by and the ticking of your biological clock gets louder and louder.
I’m sure juggling all of these seemingly competing priorities seems sisyphean, but PURRING, I bet that you’ll soon be balancing your work and your personal life with more ease and grace than Dikē herself. In order to do that, though, you need to start making some changes. And in order to make those changes, you need to do some good, old-fashioned self reflection.
Now, PURRING, that is something you are going to have to do on your own and ideally, with the help of a therapist. Self discovery cannot come from an outside source. I think, though, that I can offer some suggestions that will jumpstart your analytic journey.
First of all, your work sounds exhausting! While I know that most, if not all jobs are energetically depleting, the type of energy exerted in each is different. Your job involves working intimately with other people. I know personally that this kind of work can be emotionally draining. Don’t get me wrong: I love the work that I do. Every day I have the opportunity to explore the depth and breadth of the human experience. I’m honored that my clients entrust me with their stories, and I’m deeply satisfied knowing that I can serve as both a mirror for their experiences and feelings and a gentle guide for their growth.
At the same time, there are days I come home from work completely unable to interact with others. Sometimes this means I’ll cancel plans and spend the night snuggled with my own kitty watching Netflix. Other times this means that I’m wholly incapable of empathy for other people. On those days, if a loved one comes to me with a problem, I find myself angrily snapping at them, instead of offering them my usual support and kindness. Now, I don’t know if you act this way toward your loved ones, PURRING, but I encourage you to monitor your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors each day when you come home from work. Do you spend time with others on weeknights? Are you filling your weekends with work obligations? How do you react when someone asks you for help, and how do you feel about helping them? Satisfied? Annoyed? Resentful? Neutral?
Fortunately, if you are experiencing work-induced-emotional-burnout, there are several things you can do get your empathy and social energy re-ignited. Borrowing from the literature on compassion fatigue (something that affects some healthcare providers), it is of the utmost importance that you take care of yourself. This means ensuring that you maintain your physical wellbeing by eating well, exercising, and getting sufficient sleep every night. This also means nourishing your soul regularly. What are some of the things that you enjoyed before you became a manager (agent?)? Who are the people you turn to into your life when you need help? Are you still in touch with them? What makes you laugh? Cry? Feel joy? Try to do at least one emotionally, artistically, interpersonally, or intellectually satisfying activity per day.
It’s important to note here that self-care does not necessarily mean self-indulgence. Now, I love a good bubble bath and a glass of wine as much as the next ’toon, and certainly indulgent relaxation can be a part of your self care routine. But taking care of yourself also means taking care your less-than-glamorous responsibilities like paying bills and keeping your home clean. It also means keeping your head straight while you complete those tasks. Many people find solace in a bottle of liquor. It has an uncanny way of making us forget about our problems. But forgetting is not healing and alcohol is a fickle friend. One sip too many and your problems come flooding back to you. Or even worse, alcohol becomes your one and only coping strategy and you end up even further away from your dreams and goals than you are now.
I know that probably seems like a lot, PURRING, but remember: you’re a pro! Think of your self-care regimen like a slowed-down version of making 15 calls in 20 minutes. As you probably anticipated, though, working in self-care to your daily routine and eventually, investing in your personal life requires you to *gasp* put up boundaries at work.
I know, I know; my friends in the industry tell me all of the time that there is no saying no in Hollywoo. Since we have yet to invent time travel, there are still a finite number of hours in each day. You’re going to have to start putting your paw down. If you can, take a few days off from work. Use some of that time to look over your past, current, and future commitments; the past to assess what you’re spending most of your time on and the current and future to start figuring out how to trim the commitment fat. Start practicing how you’re going to say no to your colleagues and clients. I’d suggest doing this in front of a mirror so you can get a sense of what your body language is communicating. Remember, it’s important to communicate assertively, not passively, aggressively or worst of all, passively aggressively. Say what you need clearly, kindly, and confidently. Don’t capitulate to the other person’s needs because you feel guilty or pressured. Go in with an idea of your non-negotiables and where you’re willing to compromise. It might be useful to brush up on your DEAR MAN skills (as I wrote about in my first Ask Scratchy) so you can be sure your assertiveness skills are up to snuff.
I know that self care, paradoxically, is exceptionally hard for those of us who care for others. Many of us find it difficult to refuse a request to go the extra mile for a client, or to stick to our regular 9am-5pm schedule. At the same time, though, knowing how to take care of yourself and set boundaries are exceptionally important skills to have if you want to have a job, a relationship, and a child. I also know that there are societal and interpersonal forces that make this particularly difficult for women.
Although feminism has done much to liberate women from their domestic confines, new restrictions on what women can and can’t do have developed. These days, women are expected to be able to have it all and look good while getting it: the successful career, the supportive husband, the loving children. Despite these expectations, there is still great inequality, both in the workplace (where women still make a fraction of what men do) and at home (where women still tend to do more of the housework than men). In this case, the “it” in “having it all” means responsibility, not adequate compensation and support.
While I would never doubt that there are women with flourishing careers, healthy marriages, and strong bonds with their children, I do doubt that they have all been able to do so without some sacrifice. Perhaps they have lost touch with their friends and extended family. Maybe they don’t have any time for themselves, or rarely sleep for more than four hours at a time. It could be that they’ve chosen careers with excellent benefits and short work hours, or they have enough money to hire a full-time nanny to raise their kids in their stead. In reality, having it all is a myth, and one that’s damaging to the women who want it all but aren’t able to get it. These (and really all) women are met with public skepticism and critique. “She works way too hard!” “She’ll regret not having kids; being a mother is the most important thing a woman can do.” “I bet she’s so successful at work because she’s bossy and cold. I bet that’s also why no man wants to date her!”
I’d like to offer you (and the rest of society) a reframe of the “having it all” myth, PURRING. Let’s start focusing less on having our cake and eating it too, but instead recognize that we can quell our hunger for success with a couple of slices. What are the most delicious slices of that cake? Which ones will sate you, and which will leave you with a bloated belly and uncomfortable sugar rush? In other words, what do you really want and what is actually feasible for you? If you can answer these questions, you will find satisfaction and success in both your personal and professional life and das, PURRING, is gut.
Princess Carolyn’s Ask Scratchy question was submitted by Eric Vilas-Boas.
Ask Scratchy is for educational and entertainment purposes only. Although the character Dr. Scratchansniff is modeled after two psychoanalytic luminaries, Sigmund Freud and Otto Kernberg, this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
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