Cartoon hair is the best hair. It requires zero maintenance, and the laws of physics don’t apply, making it possible to achieve styles of all shapes and colors. But all that freedom has led some of our most beloved characters into… ambiguous territory. Here are just a few questions I have for some otherwise fabulous characters about their hairstyle choices.
How much of that is your head?
There are some characters in which the answer to this is easy. Jimmy Neutron? Giant head. Marge Simpson? Giant hair. Gerald Johanssen? This one is tricky.
While we know that most of his hair can be brought down into an absolutely flawless afro as seen in the classic Hey Arnold! episode “6th Grade Girls,” there is still a substantial amount of head protrusion that doesn’t have a defined end point. It shouldn’t keep me up at night, but it does, guys. It does.
Is all of that hair?
Some of my favorite cartoon hairstyles aren’t actually hair at all, like Princess Bubblegum and Lola Bunny.
But then then there’s Yugi Muto. His bangs are straightforward enough — clearly he bought a QVC hair crimper and, like the rest of us at the time, thought it was a good look. But what’s going on in the back? Is that a crown? A foam core insert? Maybe some Sonic-esque spikes? I genuinely can’t tell what’s going on there.
And you, Sonic. Are they needles or fur? At least give us a hint.
To Didi Pickles: Why?
Oh honey. I know it’s the ’90s and curly hairspiration is scarce. I know you’re a busy working mom. But your style is pushing the limits of reasonable Mom Hair and starting to resemble Krusty the Clown. And you know how Chuckie feels about clowns.
This is one of the very few instances in which you can take a cue from Charlotte Pickles: pull it back into a ponytail and resume world domination.
What have we learned?
Mostly, that the author of this article is a judgmental jerk. In the end, it’s none of my business what people choose to do with their hair, even if they’re fictional characters. Nor do I have the right to pass judgement on the strange race of pasty bald children like Charlie Brown or Doug Funnie.
With the exception of Caillou. That kid can go fuck himself.
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