Illustration by Emily Ramon, for The Dot and Line
Over the course of Nicktoons Month, the D&L’s writers unearthed a lot of facts about Nickelodeon’s 25-year contribution to animation, but this final bombshell is particularly shocking. After breaking into an undisclosed secret Nickelodeon safehouse on a secret tip from Arlene Klasky (!) and Gábor Csupó (!), I discovered something in a tattered office littered with sketches. Beneath a rusty orange workbench decorated with splats and adorned with the word Nickelodeon, sat a small leather chest. I opened it, and behold! What follows is what I found…
Cartoons shall preserve thee from all evil. They shall preserve thy soul. Their weird, Real Monsters shall be thy shield against the Dark, thy Trump Card against the Dome. The Toons shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in, from this time forth, even for thine Rugrats.
Now the Toon of hope fills thee with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of Eliza Thornberry’s voice.
Now the Toon of patience and consolation grant thee to be likeminded one toward another according to Hey Arnold! and the Child of the Stoop. That ye may with one mind and one mouth glorify Arnold, as it is in Helga’s closet, as the Lord of Wisdom and Empathy.
Now the Oceans of our Toons direct our way unto thee. And the Bobbed Sponge of Squared Pants make ye to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all people, even as we do toward thee; to the end and the inevitable oil spill, he may stablish thine heart unblameable in holiness before Toons, and our Fred Seibert, at the coming of our Lord Nickelodeon with all his saints, now and forever.
Toons shall supply all the disguises Invader Zim needs according to his riches in glory by Holy Nick. Now unto Toons and our Brother Jhonen be glory for ever and ever.
Grace and peace be multiplied unto thee through the knowledge of Bloodbending and of Katara our Icon and Muse, according as her divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and death, that hath called us to glory and virtue.
Now unto Macie of As Told by Ginger that which is able to keep thee from falling, and to presenteth ye faultless before the presence of Toon’s glory with exceeding, queer, feminist joy, to the only wise Toon of Confidence, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever.
Now the Heffer of peace, that brought again from the dead of Hell our Lord Toon, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting Hawaiian Sayings™, maketh ye perfect in every good work to do their will, Powered by Rockets, Poop Jokes, young Boys, and all those ingredients packed in a Loud House with 10 girls, working in thee that which is well-pleasing in Toon’s sight, through the Holy Splat; to whom be glory for ever and ever.
The Toon bless thee, and keep thee: The Toon make Toon’s face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The Toon lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee Valentine poetry for Doug and for the world.
Finally, Nicktoons Old and New, be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the Toon of love and peace shall be with you.
(!) Note: Uh, in case this wasn’t abundantly clear, this post is intended as humor and in no way is meant to actually represent the views or (lol) secret tips from Klasky or Csupó. (Though if they’d like to reminisce about Nickelodeon with us, my email is vilasboas[dot]eric[at]gmail[dot]com)
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