The 3-Minute Beginners Guide to Understanding ‘Xavier: Renegade Angel’

Editor’s note: I was the horrible oldest sibling who got both of my younger brothers into Xavier: Renegade Angel, a show that is the cartoon equivalent of Sasha Baron Cohen in character as Borat reading an Eckhart Tolle book aloud while naked, bleeding, and tripping on acid. (Its Wikipedia article describes the main character as “a self-absorbed and oblivious faun-like shaman wanderer with delusions of grandeur.” Yeah. I know.) I then pressured my youngest brother to write an article about the show for this website. What he turned in was too true to the show—meaning that it was, due entirely to Xavier’s content and style and in no way to his superb efforts, effectively unpublishable. What follows is what we could publish. — John

5 Takedowns from ‘Xavier‘ ’That Broke Me

1. The United States Army (Season 1, Episode 1)

Xavier really started out strong. In the very first episode of the entire show, “What Life D-D-Doth,” the eponymous “hero” goes to some form of army base where he asks for “some of that disease you guys invented.” The U.S. Army worker first asks if Xavier means crack cocaine before reluctantly offering him a jug filled with AIDS. (Note: In the background of the scene is an “I WANT YOU!” propaganda poster for the sign—but instead of Uncle Sam, we have Uncle Osama bin Laden. Nice touch.)

2. Christian Science (S1, E3)

In this episode, “Weapons Grade Life,” we meet a young boy who is paralyzed from the waist down. His father is a Christian Scientist doctor who “heals with prayer” and watches as his tools float through the air and perform surgery without him touching them. Of course, the audience finds out quickly that it’s the paralyzed boy the whole time, using strings and magnets to perform the surgery as a sort of medical puppet-master. “If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he’d be crushed,” the boy said. “He thinks science is evil and the Lord heals all.” How far we haven’t come.

3. American Consumerism (S1, E3)

This episode really came in with guns blazing. Following the events at the Christian Science doctor’s office, Xavier’s meddling causes the creation of a living explosion which moves through the town, destroying everything. Of course, people immediately start selling shirts and taking pictures, turning the town into a pop-up tourist trap, even giving the explosion a name: the Eversplosion. There’s no ethical explosions under capitalism!

4. Xavier: Renegade Angel (S1, E10)

For about four minutes (3:42–7:17 to be exact) in the first season finale, “Shakashuri Blowdown,” we just have an epic verbal showdown between Xavier and…another Xavier! It takes absurd wordplay to a new high and low simultaneously—and is immediately followed by what is perhaps the craziest acid trip television has ever seen. And it goes on for…also about four minutes. I think that says it all.

5. Everything in the Universe (S2, E9–10)

EVERYTHING IN THESE EPISODES IS INSANE. I CAN’T HANDLE IT. IT’S TOO DEEP. DON’T GET THIS DEEP. JUST DON’T.

7 ‘Xavier’ References For Everyday Use

The show may be batshit, but damn, if it isn’t quotable. Here’s our top five:

1. That’s just lake humor! Use whenever you or someone you know makes a bad joke that falls flat.
2. Ooh! Fritatta. (mispronounced “froo-tah-tah”) When you make a mistake, or hurt yourself, or are excited, or really just want to emphasize anything at all.
3. That’s the spice. Think, “That’s just what I was looking for!”
4. A coo-coo-coo! Just a funny noise that means nothing, but please, please start using this.
5. Thurrito. A really, really big burrito. Or in Xavier’s words: “It’s a burrito, within a burrito, within the heart of that same burrito.”
6. What doth life? A great conversation ender when your drunk friend gets too philosophical at two in the morning on a Thursday.
7. I’m a survivor. We’re a dying breed. Relevant to anyone with a job in the media!

Have fun out there, friends, and don’t cotton to freaks!

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