It is one of the single-most recognizable anime themes in history. Upon pressing play on any given episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion in the last 20-plus years, it has thrust forward, delivering an assault of characters and giant-robot violence, fist-pumping power chords, and lyrics about angels and boys and the blue sky. It is chock-full of meaning and symbolism and foreshadowing to the messy, psychologically complex, emotionally jarring events of the series it invites you to watch. It is also relentlessly dumb, musically ham-fisted, and far more impressionist than even the crazy complicated chronology of that series.
Perhaps that tension—and its incontestable catchiness — is why “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis,” originally performed by Yoko Takahashi, has endured so. It’s a hymn that’s been performed to high heaven, by groups secular and religious, professional and amateur, anime adoring or anime despising. Even Disney’s Goofy has a goddamn cover of this goddamn song. Because I can’t resist a good YouTube dive, here are the best and worst renditions of this idiotic, irresistible track, labeled according to their EVA Unit model number.
Unit-BOBBY!: The Match Made In Texas
Artist: Gamblor
Performance review: ★★★★★
As unbeatable as the taste of a crisp Alamo beer on a sweltering night in Arlen,the smell of propane, and the 1986 Texas Longhorns women’s team.
Unit-JOY: That Gospel Lift, That Angelic Riff
Artist: The Glory Gospel Singers
Performance review: ★★★★
A truly stunning take on the track. This New York gospel group slayed this performance on the Japanese song competition program NHK Nodo Jiman. They even got an apparently confused Japanese audience to clap along.
Unit-MIME: The Buoyant Verve of Post-Soviet Dance
Artist: The Ukrainian Military Band + a miming dancer?
Performance review: ★★★1/2
The only reason this doesn’t get a full four stars is because the video I found is less than 40 seconds long, but this rendition really does come with everything else. Dueling tubas, footwork, energetic hand motions. On several Friday nights running, I have sat down on my couch, with a neat scotch in hand, and watched this video on repeat for two hours. There is nothing finer.
Unit-YOUNG BOY: The English Impatient
Artist: AmaLee
Performance review: ★★★
Many attempts have been made at translating the original Japanese lyrics of “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis.” AmaLee, a YouTube-famous singer who’s made a name for herself with several anime covers, has arguably the take that lyrically makes the most sense and sounds the closest to Takahashi’s original vocals. You can’t ask for much better if you want an English take.
Unit-SLOW: The Bike Horn Model
Artist: aberrantkenosis (music) + Alex Small-Butera (video)
Performance review: ★★1/2
For some, I would assume, there is a place for bike horn covers, the specialty of Soundcloud user aberrantkenosis, who has compiled several volumes of the stuff. If that’s your cup of tea, I respect it and prefer coffee. Unforunately, this rendition moves at a more languorous than any other on this list, and I cannot personally endorse it. The attempt, however, is admirable.
Unit-GOOD BOY: The Canine Modification
Artist: Gabe the dog+ Mweeorgh (video)
Performance review: ★★
What is there to say, but “Woof?”
Unit-666: The All-Boys Catholic High School Model
Artist: The young men of Chaminade High School
Performance review: ★
Full disclosure: Both John and I attended this all-boys Catholic high school in Mineola, New York, and hated it. This parody was apparently made by some of its intrepid nerdy students who were attempting to crack wise on the aggressively Christian-themed music videos the administration would use to launch the morning announcements. (Others included über-Godboy ballads like “Awesome God” and “Be Ye Glad.”) This is a fine joke as-is, but to anyone who’s sat through those 8am announcements, it’s gold.
It makes me happy to see a glimmer of anime humor in an otherwise defiantly conservative, moralistic den of adolescent misogyny (that in recent years was the subject of troubling sexual abuse allegations). Applause to the students who created the video. Hopefully dogma and demerits didn’t traumatize them too badly.
Unit-1932: The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy
Artist: Goofy
Performance review: No stars.
A smattering of the top YouTube comments on this video, ranked:
- “this video made both my lungs collapse”
- “This song will be played on a loop at my funeral”
- “I don’t know how I got here. But I don’t plan on leaving”
In short, you need to watch it.
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