Lucky for all of America except for the general New England area and certain traitorous districts of upstate New York, the Philadelphia Eagles were almost as effectively equipped to hand professional crybaby Tom Brady his Very Nutritionally Loaded, Very Regularly Pooping Ass as our Chosen to Be Frozen fantasy team inevitably would have been. But really, we’re talking class-A sporty icefolk here—they could kill it at any frigid pastime they so chose, including the various Winter Olympic games. But who would play which sport? Well…
Alpine skiing
Sokka: Quick reflexes, quick thinking, and plenty of North Pole experience.
Biathlon
Captain Cold: He even has his own gun!
Bobsleigh
Sanka Coffie: Let the man finally be the driver.
Vanilla Ice: So Sanka doesn’t have to be the funny man for once.
Cross-country skiing
Mr. Freeze: He can put up with those frigid temperatures as long as proves necessary.
Curling
The Ice King: Come on, what the hell else did you expect him to do?
Figure skating
Tonya Harding As Portrayed by Margot Robbie: Duh.
Freestyle skiing
Elsa: Grace, poise, and a whole lot of creativity.
Ice hockey
Korra: Tough, smart, spunky, and a natural leader, the Avatar would inevitably be team captain and the highest scorer on the ice.
Luge
Gucci Mane: The East Atlanta Santa with the swift and syrupy flow can handle those crazy turns all on his own.
Nordic combined
Balto: It’s all about discipline and grit in equal measures.
Short track speed skating
Killer Frost: She’s known for icily getting straight to the point.
Skeleton
Isaac McDougal, the Freezing Alchemist: He’s just gritty and crazy enough to fly straight down an icy track face-first.
Ski jumping
Sapphire: She can foresee every possible pitfall and avoid each one with perfect composure.
Snowboarding
Frozone: His artistry really shines on the frozen pipes.
Speed skating
Iceman: Think Frozone, but with less flash.
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